Jokes to Make you Smile and Laugh - Brighten Your Day
1. I'm not saying my financial advisor is bad at his job..... but when I went to his office and asked him to check my balance, he tried to push me over."
2. What do kids play when their mom is using the phone?
Bored games.
3. What do you call an ant who fights crime?
A vigilANTe !
4. Why are snails slow?
Because they’re carrying a house on their back.
5. What’s the smartest insect?
A spelling bee !
6. What does a storm cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
7. What is fast, loud and crunchy?
A rocket chip.
8. How does the ocean say hi?
It waves !
9. What do you call a couple of chimpanzees sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates
10. Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?
Because she was stuffed
11. Why did the soccer player take so long to eat dinner?
Because he thought he couldn’t use his hands.
12. Name the kind of tree you can hold in your hand?
A palm tree !
13. What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
14. What has ears but cannot hear?
A cornfield.
15. What’s a cat’s favorite dessert?
A bowl full of mice-cream.
16. Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano !
17. What did the policeman say to his hungry stomach?
“Stop !! You’re under a vest.”
18. What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between us, something smells !
19. Why do birds fly south in the winter?
It’s faster than walking !
20. What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
“I lava you !”
21. “The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.”
22. “A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.”
23. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”
24. “If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.”
25. Never try to keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.”
26. “Planning meals in advance, now that’s some food forethought.”
27. I tell my friends, I’m here for them 24/7 because it sounds better than saying I’m only here for them on the 24th of July.”
28. “A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. That would be 20 cows.’”
29. “I’m pleased to be getting a beer belly. I’ve always wanted a father figure.”
30. “The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.”
31. “People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”
32. “The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies. Probably because they’re generally the same people.”
33. “The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime — if not asked to lend money.”
34. Dave and Bob, who are both 90 years old, loved baseball their whole lives. One day, Dave turns to Bob and says, "Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back and tell me if there's baseball there." Bob agrees, and makes Dave promise the same. Three months later, Bob dies. The next week, Dave wakes up in his sleep with someone calling his name. "Who's there?" he called out. "Dave! It's me Bob!" "Bob! It's so good to hear from you! How's heaven?" Dave asked. "It's great!" said Bob. "But I've got some good news and some bad news." "Well, tell me the good news first," said Dave. "Okay, the good news is that there is baseball in heaven." "That's great!" Dave exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you're pitching on Friday." ( thank you to PST )
35. Are all math puns bad ?
No, just sum
36. I got rid of my vacuum cleaner....... It was just gathering dust.
37. A man and his son go fishing one morning. It was quiet for a couple of hours until the son looked at his Dad and
said, "Dad, how do fish breathe under water?" "I don't know, son", replied the father. "Dad? How does a boat
float on the water?" "I don't know, son" "Dad, why is the sky blue?" "I have no idea, son." "Dad, am I bothering
you, asking all these questions?" "Of course not, son. How else are you going to learn anything if you don't ask ?"
38. On a busy holiday, the zoo manager offers $200 to a worker to act as a gorilla since the real one is sick.
Determined to impress his boss, the worker climbs the enclosure and hang from the ceiling of the lion’s den.
However, he slips and falls to the floor, just a few feet away from the lion. Scared for his life, he starts screaming
for help. Soon, the lion pounces on him and whispers, “Stop talking right now or you’re going to get us both fired.
39. A customer walks into a coffee shop and asks the barista for the Wi-Fi password.
“You need to buy coffee first,” the barista says.
“Okay, I’ll have an espresso,” the customer says.
After paying, the customer asks, “Can I have the password now?”
The barista replies, “Of course! It’s ‘youneedtobuycoffeefirst’. All lowercase, no spaces.
40. In my office we have names for things like our computer, the coffee maker, etc..... the name
of our printer is Bob Marley ...................cause it keeps on jammin !!
41. I DON'T ALWAYS LISTEN TO INNA GADDA DA VIDA, BUT WHEN I DO,
SO DO THE NEIGHBORS. (confused ?? Google: Iron Butterfly and turn up the volume ) - lol
42. What did the fish say when he swam into a wall ??
Dam !!!
43. My family eats from the 3 basic food groups
Canned, Frozen and Take-Out
44. Do you know how to tell when you're getting old ??
When your girlfriend/boyfriend asks, "your place or mine? and the first thing you think of is which one has the fewer stairs.
45. What happened when the computer fell on the floor??
It slipped a disk.
46. A fish walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve fish here!"
The fish replied, "Good, then I'll stay."
47. Tell a man there are 3 billion stars in the Universe and he'll believe you....
Tell a man that a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it to see for himself
48. What did the grapes say when the elephant sat on them ??
Nothing.....they just let out a little wine.
49. An honest weatherman says, "Today's forecast is bright and sunny....."
"with an 80% chance that I am wrong."
50. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if
she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
51. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going
faster than you is a maniac.
52. There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lot, so they put up a sign:
CHURCH CAR PARKING - FOR MEMBERS ONLY, Trespassers will be baptized !!
53. Phrases from the Baby Boomer Generation – 1946-1964
“That’s groovy”
“Far out”
“Can you dig it?”
“Peace and love”
“Right on”
“Lay it on me”
“What’s your bag?”
“Catch you on the flip side”
“Outta sight”
“That’s solid”
“Cool Beans”
“What a bummer”
“Hang ten”
“Keep on truckin’”
“The Man”
“Lots of bread”
“Let it all hang out”
Questions about these phrases ? Not a Boomer and you want to learn ? Send us a message or call the office at the number on the home page !!
We’d love to hear from you - and please, tell a friend. Thanks !!!!
54. What did the Penguin wear to the formal dinner ??
Nothing
55. A male duck (drake) walked into a bar.........there was a cute female duck sitting nearby..... the male duck told
the bartender........give me a small fish sandwich and give one to that cute duck over there. The bartender
said, "Fine, that'll be $6.50..........." The duck replied, "Put it on my bill"
